… I think of myself as a pretty standup individual. A smart cookie, a real catch, complete with morals, personality, goals & aspirations. But once in a blue moon (like tonight) I have one of those moments where I reflect on something I’ve done – and wonder what the fuck was I thinking?
With today being Friday, I had a handful of tempting invitations from different friends & cohorts to go out, whoop it up, & cause a little hell. I opted instead for a quiet night at home with a good book, peaceful patio & glass of wine – not a bad decision in my opinion. Moments into my serene evening the silence was broken by a small, pathetic, plea for help. It was coming from the blackberry tangled ravine below my 3rd story apartment & seemed to be of the feline persuasion. Being the kind hearted fool that I am, I decided to go downstairs and make sure that no animals were being harmed during my evening of relaxation. After a few too many thorns, mosquitos & a garter snake I stumbled onto the source of the squeaky SOS – a defenseless kitten, lost in the wild. We quickly made friends & he followed me to safety, at which point I considered my mission accomplished & started the trek back to the comfort of my 3rd floor sanctuary – only to find that my impressive heroism had caused this kitten to fall madly in lust with me & follow my lead.
Being the animal lover that I am, I made sure that he wasn’t hurt before urging that he find his own way home. It was then that our eyes locked & in that cute little kitten face I saw that it was my duty, as his hero to be sure that he was given a home and family of his own. Thus began the adventure of smuggling said kitten into my apartment, and onto the patio until I could give the situation a bit more thought. After some consideration (and peroxide – we had a slight misunderstanding upon reaching the 2nd floor where this scared little soul mistook my arm for a scratching post) I decided to make an appointment for the morning, to take him into a vet & see about having him placed in a foster home with the humane society (very noble of me, I know). With the appointment made, arm bandaged, new friend fed, and myself situated back on the patio to continue my interrupted evening of relaxation – I felt amazing. I had done the right thing, and this kitten was going to have a brand new life of comfort – all thanks to my selflessness.
It was about this time, as I was basking in the glow of my own awesomeness that I began hearing new cries from below my balcony – this time the cries were definitely not feline, but human – and calling for what sounded to be a creature quite similar to the one now stretched out on my lap. Needless to say, within moments my title of selfless angel of goodwill & mercy turned to evil kidnapper of neighbors kittens. Now, when one lives on the 3rd floor, the options of escape are extremely limited – the stairs or the balcony. And, seeing as how I had already kidnapped their pet, I thought that tossing it from my balcony may cause unnecessary confusion. Thus, I snatched the kitten up – after giving him a very long & threatening “stank-eye” for having gotten me into this situation at all – raced down the stairwell, and plopped him at the bottom only pausing long enough to slightly trip on my way back up the stairs.
Now, here I am, back on the patio, wine glass in hand – making a resolution to not attempt any good deeds in the foreseeable future & to ignore any cries for help that may cross my path. The moral of this story is that being selfish and ignoring those around you does have it’s perks.