Tattooed Nun seeks Liberal Convent…

       People say dating is like riding a bike – They should say it’s like attempting to ride a unicycle for the first time, blindfolded, on the edge of an icy cliff, in front of a trigger happy firing squad.  Or, maybe that’s just me…

       It was about a year ago when my last “quasi-serious relationship” came to an abrupt halt – I was informed that the best way to get over the all powerful ex-factor, is to jump right back into that wonderful world called “dating.” (Have you ever noticed this advice comes from those same people who believe the easiest way to get into an ice cold pool is via cannonball – point made.) So, I decided in this new age of technology & women asking for what they want instead of just taking what they get – I grabbed the bull by the balls & placed a personal ad on Craigslist. Many of you may be familiar with the miracle that is your local Craigslist site. It’s the virtual hub for every community, across the country – who knows, there’s probably a Craigslist Bangkok! A magical place where you can just as easily find a new home for your smelly cat, pick up someone’s hand me down sofa, bitch about the increasing population of bums, or even snag a new mate.  The ad I placed read as follows, and I’ll admit, it was the only ad of its kind, with more than 23 words, none of those being blocked out for “adult content.” At the time I was proud, I should have know better…

Available, but Not Desperate – 27 year old female

Let’s see… If you’re looking for drama, drugs or white trash – Keep looking … I’m a down to earth, out of this world, not so girl-next-door, girl. I love to live for the moment, never know when it’ll be your last, or if an opportunity will present itself twice! I’m a headstrong independent girl who does happen to wear her heart on her sleeve. And has perhaps given it away in the past when she shouldn’t have… We live & we learn…

I love to laugh, and enjoy knowing that my sarcasm and wit can help bring laughter to those around me. I like going for walks, whether it be alone, with a friend, with my iPod, or with my pup. I sing everywhere possible, from the shower to my car, & the office! I tend to throw myself into my work & would love to find someone to unwind with at the end of the day. I love sitting on my patio with a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and watching the sun, stars, or a good storm. I love life! I’m a lady, who doubles as a tomboy and “one of the guys” for the occasional night of pizza, beer, & pool. But loves getting dolled up to go dancing or romancing with the right company.

I love to write, be it poetry, meaningless gibberish notes to myself, or just a page full of doodles. I love camping, being outdoors, enjoying our natural liquid sunshine, and getting lost in the woods… I do recycle, when I remember. I like watching football, and playing tennis and volleyball. Bowling is okay, so long as the shoes aren’t questionable. My favorite cartoon is Scooby Doo, not the new ones with fake voices and characters – but the real one, with the “real” cast, and “real-hoax” mysteries to be solved.

I once learned how to change the oil in my car, I haven’t done it since but knowing that I could makes me feel more self-sufficient. I can however change my own tires, and am proud to say I’m pretty good at it. 🙂 I enjoy cooking; though cooking for one isn’t near as enjoyable or rewarding as cooking for someone else. My pup just doesn’t seem to appreciate the work that goes into a good meal. Plus she isn’t a huge veggie fan, and tends to pick them out & leave them on the floor. I love seafood and pasta, fruits, veggies, and Swedish fish.

I love philosophy, spending time wondering about anything & everything… I’m a book worm, and dream of one day having an overstocked library to call my own. I try to learn from my experiences, and better myself in someway, everyday. Right now, working on my card-trick skills :p I strive to leave those I meet with a good feeling, and positive, honest impression. My life is a journey, and I’m not looking for my “missing half,” just someone who compliments me and is open to my doing the same. Not someone to complete me, but someone to keep me on my toes and willing to experience all that life has to offer.

       Within the first 6 hours I had received 27 responses. After 12 hours, my inbox runneth over with more than 60 new replies all vying for my attention; men ranging in age (21-63), height (5’3-6’7), opening lines (bra size requests to biblical quotes), names (Joe Smith to Lashorn ThunderRoot), and perhaps best of all, the photos.  After a few hours of trolling through my catch I narrowed the selection down to 15 or so “gentlemen” & decided to respond to their notes. Within 10 minutes I was getting replies back & was able to siphon through the group even more due to some personal hang-ups of mine, such as their still being “technically” married, having more children than the Brady’s and being a little too eager about having more, prison records that were a bit too recent, & of course the one gentleman that was absolutely adorable, and quite possibly my grandfather.

       I decided after a few more rounds of this newfound entertainment, to allow one of my suitors the honor of taking me out. The lucky man was young, (well, my age) physically appealing, had not asked for my measurements (as of yet), had no children, no ex wife, & didn’t seem to be packing an excessive amount of emotional baggage – let’s call this young man Josh. We met in the evening for hot chocolate, with plans of taking a nice stroll by the water & swapping horrific ex-relationship stories (as most normal people do on first dates). The hot cocoa & walk went off without a hitch, it was when he suggested a game of pool & drinks that the night started going downhill faster than a retard without their helmet & training wheels! Call me old fashioned but having more than 2 drinks on a first date is pushing the limits, only because it’s at that point when people start sharing things that need not be shared. My date, Josh, seemed to need all the liquid courage he could stomach, and after 5 shots of vodka, 7 glasses of beer, & a plateful of jalapeno poppers he was feeling pretty courageous. Enough so that he felt the need to introduce himself to the “kick ass band” & proclaim his newfound “fandom” & support for the cause! Sadly, for Josh, there was no “band” playing, just a lone man on his acoustic guitar for a small town open mic night. About this time I realized it was well past midnight & my get-away-car was at least 2 miles away, & it was threatening snow – thus, time to make my exit.

       After the excitement (?) involved with my first experience back in the game, I decided to put off meeting any of my other suitors for at least a day or two. I opted instead for a much less confrontational method from my past, the always popular phone date. The lucky gentleman’s name was Tim, & he was a bit over my usual age cutoff (by about 10 years), but because he seemed like a real character I decided to give it a shot. Within moments of our hellos he was stammering for conversation to fill the obviously awkward silence – quickly reverting to filling me in on who he is (usually a good thing), including but not limited to his 4 children, ex-wife, 2 dogs, 3 cats, recent legal disputes, lack of career, etc… This went on for a little over two hours, during which time I painted my nails, made dinner, & did a load of laundry. Overall, my most useful date ever! When he finally stopped for a breath, I told him that as much as I’d really enjoyed our little chat, I did need to get running. And, without further adieu, hung up & went back to my laundry. A girl has to have priorities.

       Throughout the course of my two failed dates, I’d been carrying on a rousing text message conversation with another boy, we’ll call him Aaron. Aaron is 28, single, never married, no children, has a job, & a vehicle of his own – sounds great right? We had hit it off really well thus far, he understood & actually kept up with my unique sense of humor & couldn’t wait for the chance to take me to dinner. Well, I decided to give in, & we decided to meet at a local Mexican restaurant. Before our drinks were even served he was giving me the rundown on his life (or lack thereof) for the past 28 years. Including but not limited to, his complete & utter lack of dating experience (he’s dated one girl before, for 2 weeks), the fact that he still lives with his mom, works part time in a friends comic book store, dropped out of high school, oh yea & the best part – thinks that I’m uber hot & absolutely amazing (duh?).  Now, every girl likes to hear how appealing they are, both physically & mentally – but I’ll be honest, after hearing it non-stop for 2 hours, I was ready to choke him with my amazingly cute hands! After quickly paying for our meals (yes, we went Dutch), I rushed through the inclement weather to drive away before he got the idea to follow me home.

       I decided to swear off dating for a few months – in hopes of avoiding any further permenant emotional scarring. Sadly, when I decided to give it another go a few weeks back – the situations & contenders were even worse than before! But that, is a horror story for another day…

~ m


“You could, like, die…

… I mean, that’s so dangerous & painful… My sisters, ex-husbands first wifes uncle had it done & he died because he started bleeding & no one could stop it! I mean, I know at least 3 people who’ve died!!!”

I came into the office on Friday morning and was asked how I was doing – well, I made the poor decision of being honest, and the above quote was the response I received. I’ve been struggling with my tonsils since I can remember – we’ve never had the best relationship. Things are never super great between us, it’s usually a matter of their pissing me off, and my despising & threatening them with sharp utensils – or them just laying around, like a useless ex-boyfriend. Not helping with anything, then perking up enough to remind you their around anytime you start to hope they may have simply disappeared!

So, I visited a doctor on Thursday because this past week has been another struggle & this time, I plan not only on winning but taking them out completely – KO! After seeing my general doc, he agreed that it’s high time that we bite the bullet & just call a cow a cow. This unhealthy relationship needs it’s plug pulled (or tonsils in this case) – I even volunteered to take them with me & feed them to my neighborhood raccoons if that makes the procedure seem less horrific – think circle of life… Thus the conversation at the office ensued.

Why is it that there are some people who have absolutely no filter, and the second they hear about anyone, taking action in any way – they feel the overwhelming need to share their personal take of the absolute worst case scenario?!!? Do they believe that I’m naive enough to not realize this is an actual surgical procedure, involving knives, anesthesia, lasers (if I’m lucky), blood, and of course some risk?…. Trust me, I’m the kind of girl that upon hearing the amazing news that I may actually be granted the  tonsillectomy that I’ve been dreaming of since my youth, I visit google, wikipedia, and any other site willing to provide me with numbers, facts, photos, videos, and of course – the legitimate worst case scenario.

I realize that 1 in 25,000 adults pass away due to the anesthesia, bleeding, or other complications with a tonsillectomy – but did you  know that 1 in 18,585 people will die from a car accident? Or that 1 of every 2,232 people will slip & die in their bath/shower?!?!?! How about that the chance of dying from heart disease – 1 in 3 people!!!! Seriously! I’ll take my chances & gladly hand over my tonsils to the highest bidder – hell at this point, I’ll give them to anyone willing to take them!

I’ll leave you with this, having the tonsillectomy done by a licensed professional my chances are 1 in 25,000 of meeting the man/woman upstairs… If they don’t take them soon & I have to revert to doing it myself – chances of checking out increase to 1 in 9,380. How can you argue with that?  🙂

~ m