She knows who she is. Such an overwhelming, selfish, pessimistic, whore! I can actually feel when she’s coming up behind me to peer lecherously over my right shoulder. It’s almost worse when she huddles in the corner, mumbling to herself just loud enough for me to hear. Her mere presence makes me physically ill. Most people would be embarrassed, confused, insulted & furious about being called out in such a public forum – but not this woman! She basks in the negative attention & has an oddly placed sense of pride in those attributes that drive me to detest her.
Someday there may be a procedure available to have her “removed” from my life – permanently. But, until that time I’ll have to continue living with her as an integral player in my day-to-day life. Who is this woman you may be asking? Well, she just happens to be my own personal, one of a kind, annoying as all hell, inner editor. I recently read a book (Craft & Courage: Writing Your Life Into Story, by Barbara Abercrombie) – and she had an amazing suggestion visualizing what it is that causes your writers block. Then, assigning it physical attributes. By describing this mindset as an object she theorizes that it becomes less frightening. So, I’ve decided to give my inner editor a life of her own – in hopes of tackling & releasing this awkward unshakable grasp she seems to have on my creative juice.
It’s horrible that I can say with complete sincerity that my inner editor has a face & personality – it’s that of a 4-h leader from my youth. The woman was an absolute perfectionist & felt quite strongly that my penmanship was the most offensive thing she’d ever seen (keep in mind that I was 9). So, instead of nurturing & encouraging me while I steadied my pen – she would wrap her gigantic, callous encrusted fingers around my own, thus penning my journal entries in her own perfect script. My inner editors body is that of the woman enlisted to teach me how to swim. She was a gargantuan mass of woman, who favored mumus, clogs, and hair that didn’t appear to have been managed in no less than 3 years. . Both of these women intimidated the shit out of me and to this day hearing someone use either of their names gives me the chills! In hopes that both women have amended their ways, and in an attempt to allow them that fresh start I won’t mention their names, but I’ve decided that from this day forward I’ll be referring to my demonic inner editor as Agnes.
So here goes Agnes, starting today, I’m no longer intimidated by you. When I sit down & decide to write, you will kindly busy yourself with other tasks – only coming back to my work when & if I request your input. Your cooperation is expected, and appreciated.